R o t K b r e a d b o x e d i t i o nWritten by: EvadneFADE IN: Hmmm…how should I start my movie…? I know! How about a flashback? EXT. RIVER Look at the worm. Looooook at the woooorm. This is what I shall become. Symbolically speaking. DEAGOL You know, Smeagol, you were pretty creepy looking even before the Ring. SMEAGOL It’s the eyes. Oh look, a fish! A FISH drags DEAGOL into the river. Two thousand years at the bottom of a river. Maybe gold has come back into style. DEAGOL Yes, that was my hand in “Fellowship.” THE RING Quit poking me! Ouch! Stop it! Oh, you are so dead! SMEAGOL Shiiiiiny. Give me the Ring. DEAGOL No. I want it. THE RING Aiight! Five minutes back in circulation and I’ve already started a catfight! SMEAGOL Please…? Wait, I don’t have to be polite. DIE! DEAGOL dies. And now I will switch to narration. BAD THINGS happen to SMEAGOL. The Ring turned me into a CGI character. And it made me into the Ozzy Osbourne of Middle Earth. SMEAGOL/GOLLUM bites the head off a CATFISH. Oh. That’s always nice. SMEAGOL/GOLLUM But enough about me. I’m sure you’re anxious to get back to poor, tormented, adorable Frodo. EXT. NEW ZEALAND C’mon, Frodo. Let me fuss over you. Did you sleep? Eat? Brush your hair? AUDIENCE Lembas bread. The Poptarts of Middle Earth. FRODO I’m fine. THE RING No, you’re not. FRODO Shut up, you. Gold has not come back into style. GOLLUM Let’s go, everyone. Our travelling scenes really aren’t the most interesting parts of the movie. SAM Don’t worry too much, Frodo. I’ve planned every moment of our journey out. Even the trip home. AUDIENCE How cute. Sam thinks there’s going to be a trip home. EXT. LAKE ISENGARD So…where did all these trees come from? DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Buy the “The Two Towers: Extended Edition!” LEGOLAS And where did the Elves who helped out at Helm’s Deep go? Did they all die? Is that possible? PIPPIN AND MERRY Never mind all that! Just revel in our last moments as comic relief. SARUMAN So, Gandalf, you have come to Isengard to break my power. GANDALF Do you hear something? ARAGORN No. Why do you ask? SARUMAN Hey! Up here! Main villain of the last movie? TREEBEARD Hooom. I’m glad you’ve come, Gandalf. There’s a wizard to be dealt with. GANDALF Yes. But, we’re not going to do it. SARUMAN Grima, throw the palantir at them. See if that gets their attention. PIPPIN Hey! Pretty thing in the water! GANDALF Where’d that come from? Give to Daddy. Now, back to Rohan! SARUMAN Wait! Don’t go! I’ll share my delicious pound cake recipe! EXT. EDORAS EOWYN stands around outside of the HALL waiting for everyone to return. AGAIN. Eowyn, don’t you have anything better to do? Running the country in your uncle’s absence, perhaps? THEODEN We have returned victorious! Everyone party! “BEOWULF” breaks out. Aragorn, I am obviously smitten with you. THEODEN I see your attraction for Aragorn. I am happy for you. EOWYN Uncle! Nothing happened! He’s just leading me on. ARAGORN I should let you down now before this gets out of hand. But, I’m not going to. MERRY AND PIPPIN do STUPID THINGS, just for old time’s sake. GANDALF bops. It’s very DISTURBING. Everyone’s so happy. I feel I must be depressing. AUDIENCE Quit bringing the room down, Aragorn! GANDALF Yeah, that’s my job. EXT. A RIVER SAM and FRODO sleep while GOLLUM schemes. Because the AUDIENCE has never seen THIS SCENE before. Good thing this river is here. GOLLUM Yes, because we were running out of ways to portray our inner conflict. Are you ready to kill? SMEAGOL Let’s just keep repeating this until Sam hears us. SAM I don’t hate you because you want us dead! I hate you because you’re driving a wedge between Frodo and me! SAM tries to kill GOLLUM. Stop it, Sam! If you kill Smeagol, we’ll never get to Mordor. AUDIENCE Which is unfortunately true. FRODO Now, take my hand, Smeagol. Crossing the street is dangerous. SAM Grrrrr… EXT. ROHAN Something stirs in the East…Something evil. ARAGORN Yeah. That would be Sauron, Legolas. And could you be more vague, please? LEGOLAS I’m an Elf, dip. This is how I always talk. INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS PIPPIN does something STUPID. Pippin, this is not the first movie! AUDIENCE Speaking of stupidity…Wake someone else up, Merry! PIPPIN But, I want to look at the creepy black ball! EYE OF SAURON RAUGH! I SEE YOU! AUDIENCE Is that the only thing you can say? PIPPIN is frozen in TERROR at the EYE. Maybe I should call for help. ARAGORN I’ll grab the palantir. Maybe I can take control of it… Or not. I’ll just let Sauron get a good look at me. GANDALF Huh? Oh, why do I bother? MERRY, as always, is PUSHED ASIDE in favour of PIPPIN. EXT. ROHAN – NEXT DAY I said I was sorry for almost blowing everything. MERRY Sorry won’t help, Pippin. We’re developed characters now. Our actions have consequences. GANDALF Yes, and when I split you up, you’ll develop even more. EXT. MYTHICAL ELVISH WOODS At this pace, we should reach the Grey Havens in, oh, six or seven years. ARWEN I’m totally sad and tormented. Seriously. Leaving my boyfriend is such a bummer. ATTACK of the LITTLE BOY! Mom! Are you going to, like, totally abandon me? I thought you loved me! ARWEN What the…? HEY! I’m going to be a mommy! Daddy, like, lied to me! ARWEN rides home in a HUFF. Daaaadddddyyyy! You didn’t tell me I was going to have a totally adorable kid! ELROND Pick up your cloak, young lady. Were you raised in a barn? ARWEN There’s still some hope in the world, Daddy. Remake Narsil for my boyfriend. Please? ELROND I don’t know… ARWEN Please, please, please, please…I’ll keep doing this ‘til you relent…please, please, please… ELROND All right, all right! I’ll help make your boyfriend king. AUDIENCE Too many tight shots of Elrond’s face. I keep waiting for him to call her “Misssssss Arwen.” EXT. NEW ZEALAND GANDALF and PIPPIN ride to GONDOR. Isn’t New Zealand gorgeous? I love these travel shots. Sure they add time, but aren’t they pretty? They arrive at MINAS TIRITH, a modern Middle Earth city, complete with its own LANDING STRIP. Don’t do anything stupid, Pippin. Denethor is nuts. DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DISTURBED I’m crazy! I blame you for my son’s death! AUDIENCE Who are you? And what have you done to Denethor? Huh. I guess Faramir’s out-of-character behaviour was genetic. PIPPIN does something PERSONALLY STUPID, but POLITICALLY WISE. Denethor, war is coming, and I think… DENETHOR I am suspicious! I have been watching events in my palantir. I just won’t tell you that. Now, beat it before my insanity meter increases. INT. GONDOR – EVENING Gandalf, are we really all going to die? GANDALF Yes. PIPPIN You know, Gandalf, I was looking for comfort. GANDALF Sorry, but they have the Witchking. They say no man can kill him. AUDIENCE Ah. Hello, giant loophole. EXT. THE SINISTER EMERALD CITY. We’re off to see the Evil Wizard. SMEAGOL/GOLLUM We have arrived at the Secret Stairs. Right outside of Minas Morgul. No one has ever walked by, looked up and thought, “Hey, stairs.” THE RING Walk towards Minas Morgul, Frodo. The power of the horrible, green recessed lighting compels you! WITCHKING By the Power of Greyskull! The WITCHKING has THE POWER, not to mention a REALLY UGLY MOUNT. FRODO is dragged AWAY from CERTAIN DOOM. C’mon troops! Let’s crush Gondor! EXT. OSGILIATH Rocky Road? FARAMIR No worries everyone. I’m back in character! ORCS attack OSGILIATH. VIOLENCE occurs. INT. MINAS TIRITH Pippin, I need you to light the beacon. Don’t worry, it’s not like the guards are watchful or anything. Should be easy. IT REALLY IS. BEACONS across GONDOR are lit. Whoa. It must really suck to be stationed at some of those outposts. And if Denethor really didn’t want the beacons lit, why didn’t he just NOT man them? EXT. ROHAN The beacons are lit! Please, can we save my country? Please? Please? Huh? THEODEN Yes, I suppose I have learned my lesson from the last movie. Let’s save Gondor. MEANWHILE: FARAMIR is losing in OSGILIATH. Run away! GANDALF does the AWESOME STAFF LIGHT TRICK. Hello, Faramir. I…Faramir, are you listening? FARAMIR …hobbit? GANDALF You’ve seen Frodo! DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON Speaking of Frodo… EXT. THE “SECRET” STAIRS FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM climb. What would a rock-climbing scene be without someone slipping? GOLLUM helps FRODO to the top, but when he sees the RING, TENSION occurs. Frodo! Gollum will hurt you! And steal you from me! AUDIENCE Okay, who’s for buying Frodo a longer chain, or at least another button for that shirt? Anything to keep the Ring from popping out and tempting Gollum at every opportunity. GOLLUM pulls FRODO up, and they have a brief BATTLE of the BIG BLUE EYES. Watch out for Sam, Frodo. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to ingratiate myself with you. EVENTUALLY, GOLLUM pulls a REALLY LAME TRICK. You’re making me look bad to Frodo! FRODO Sam, you can’t become manic. I can’t be the reasonable one. I can barely stand on my own feet, and I actually believe Gollum despite all empirical evidence. SAM Let me help you, Frodo. Let me carry the Ring. You know, the thing your entire life revolves around now. The thing that has claimed your heart, mind and soul. Let me take it from you. FRODO gives SAM the EVIL ADORABLE HOBBIT look. Sam, the honeymoon is over. Go home. FRODO leaves SAM in TEARS, like a BAD SOAP OPERA. INT. MINAS TIRITH DENETHOR INSANITY METER = WILD AND CRAZY GUY PIPPIN pledges ETERNAL LOYALTY to the CRAZY KING. So. Dad. Are you going to kill me for letting Frodo go? DENETHOR No. I’m just going to get you killed because I don’t love you. GANDALF Faramir, there’s no use dying because your father is a few bricks short of a full load. FARAMIR All I want is my daddy’s love. GANDALF Yeah, but you’re not the only one going out to die. INT. MINAS TIRITH DENETHOR INSANTIY METER = NOT JUST SCREWS, BUT ENTIRE PIECES OF MACHINERY LOOSE Pippin, sing for me while I have the most disgusting meal since “Hannibal.” PIPPIN I don’t know… AUDIENCE Humour him, Pippin. Trust us. PIPPIN sings quite well, no matter how he PROTESTS. FARAMIR and CO. DIE. EXT. ROHAN Don’t worry, Aragorn. I am gathering the forces of Rohan for you. AUDIENCE I love it. He’s not King Theoden. He’s Theoden, King. ARAGORN Thank you for gathering your forces on the creepy mountain. LEGOLAS The horses are restless and the men quiet. EOMER Yes. Thank you, Captain Obvious. And, Aragorn? Stop staring at that passage like it killed your puppy. LATER: Thanks for the armour, Eowyn. EOWYN There, Merry. Since I am not allowed to fight, I will invest my desires in you. Go be a soldier. EOMER He really can’t be a soldier, Eowyn. EOWYN Why not? He’s so sweet, and more roundly developed. EOMER You shouldn’t encourage him. EOWYN Why can’t he fight for those he loves? Why must he stay at home and stare out onto the open fields of Rohan? EOMER We’re not talking about Merry anymore, are we? MEANWHILE: SOMEONE MYSTERIOUS arrives. (wakes up) Football practice! SOME GUY Someone Mysterious is here to see you. ARAGORN Who could it be? It’s ELROND! He looks PISSY, as per NORMAL. Yes, a journey that takes everyone else months only takes Elrond three days. ELROND Aragorn, Arwen is dying. ARAGORN What? Why? ELROND We haven’t quite figured that out. But, I’m sure you’ve noticed the gaudy pendant getting less shiny. Anyway, since my daughter’s life is on the line, I’ve decided to help you out now. Well, other than that time I sent Elves to help you at Helm’s Deep. ARAGORN Um…thanks? ELROND I have brought you… CUE: OVERDRAMATIC FLOURISH Narsil! Now, go into the creepy mountain and become King. ELSEWHERE: ARAGORN prepares to RIDE into the CREEPY MOUNTAIN. You can’t leave. You can’t abandon…the…men. ARAGORN Again, we are not talking about the men, are we? I. Don’t. Love. You. Sorry. EOWYN goes off in a HUFF. Well, that was awkward. Time for me to go. Without explaining anything to anyone. GIMLI You can’t leave without your comic relief. LEGOLAS Yeah, and we haven’t had nearly enough screen time. ARAGORN All right, let’s go. But make sure you don’t tell anyone anything that might give them hope that we’ll return. THEODEN, KING Don’t worry. We’re used to having no hope. We’re Anglo-Saxons. ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI ride off. Legolas, since you’re a major favourite with the fans, why don’t you deploy the exposition block? LEGOLAS explains all about the TRAITOROUS, DEAD SOLDIERS of the MOUNTAIN. Boo! The way is shut! Fear me! ARAGORN Whatever, imminent death. I don’t fear you. EXT. ROHAN Merry, you are tiny and useless. You can’t go to war. Like my niece. EOWYN I’m going anyway, and I’m taking Merry with me. MERRY All right! I’m not being ignored for once! INT. MOUNTAIN OF THE DEAD Oh no! We’re back in Moria! And where did Aragorn get the torch? ARAGORN Hello? Anyone here? DEAD KING Get lost. The way is shut. ARAGORN Not to me. I have Narsil. DEAD KING We will kill you. The way… ARAGORN …is shut. Yeah, we got it. And, Legolas? What makes you think you can shoot the dead? THE DEAD fall into line. EXT. MINAS TIRITH FARAMIR’S BODY is dragged back by his HORSE. My son is dead! Only now do I realize how much I truly loved him! DENETHOR INSANITY METER = YOUR AVERAGE GARY OLDMAN CHARACTER He’s not dead! DENETHOR I can’t hear you! La, la, la! A BRIEF LOOK beyond the walls reveals DOOM and DEATH coming to GONDOR in the form of SAURON’S GIANT ARMY. I must froth and devour scenery! GANDALF clocks DENETHOR. Finally. GANDALF Let’s organize and attempt deal with this reasonably. PIPPIN They’ve come to kill every living thing in Gondor. GANDALF …as reasonably as possible. EXT. OUTSIDE GONDOR’S WALLS Everyone ready for another battle scene? WITCHKING I will break the wizard. PIG ORC …you do that. FIGHTING starts. GOES ON for a while. YOU KNOW, like it has for the PAST THREE MOVIES. THINGS look bad for GONDOR. NAZGUL attack. Now might be a good time for that staff light, Gandalf. PIPPIN At least I get the chance to prove myself competent. PIPPIN does NOT do something STUPID. EXT. NEARLY TO MORDOR FRODO and GOLLUM arrive at the CAVE. Finally, all those years of bad horror movies will pay off. GOLLUM This is not a trap. FRODO Good enough for me. It’s DARK and SCARY and OBVIOUSLY A TRAP. MEANWHILE, SAM is actually GOING BACK. What are you doing, Sam?! SAM Wait a minute; you’re right! I’m supposed to guard Frodo! Whether he wants me to or not! BACK TO FRODO: GIANT FREAKIN’ SPIDER! Argh! Harry Potter…oh, forget it. FRODO I’m beginning to think Smeagol has betrayed me. GALADRIEL Use the Force, Frodo. Or that light I gave you. That will do. FRODO lights and gets away. FRODO gets caught in a WEB. GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB is coming. Good job there, Frodo. GOLLUM Ha ha ha ha ha… FRODO gets FREE. Oh. Crap. GOLLUM and FRODO escape into MORDOR, which is really NOT AN IMPROVEMENT. He’s right outside my lair…do I risk going after him when he’s just feet away? No, I’ll do that later when it’s only slightly darker. FRODO and GOLLUM scuffle. Wait…wait. I’m okay. I won’t kill you. I’ll just destroy the Ring and save us both. GOLLUM Destroy the Ring? That’s why we came to Mordor? AUDIENCE Kind of makes you wonder what Gollum thought they were doing in Mordor. GOLLUM wants to KILL FRODO. Not that this is anything NEW. GOLLUM is thrown into a CHASM. NO ONE thinks he is DEAD. So…tired… THUD. CUE: DREAM SEQUENCE Here I am for my contractually obligated thirty seconds. FRODO Thanks. I needed that. Now I can go on. GIANT FREAKIN’ SHELOB Not much further, you can’t. WORST MOMENT of the movie. This is why I hate spiders. SAM Die, spider bitch! SAM nearly saves FRODO, expecting that he is ALREADY DEAD. Or not. Let’s take this guy to Sauron. SAM It appears I have made a tactical error here. INT. GONDOR DENETHOR prepares to roast FARAMIR. If my son is dead, I shall die too! And so shall Gondor! And all Middle Earth! In a giant, enveloping, all consuming flame! DENETHOR INSANITY METER = DRAMA QUEEN Faramir is not dead. NOT dead. DENETHOR Not listening! PIPPIN That’s it. I’m getting Gandalf. THINGS look REALLY BAD for GONDOR. So…Angmar. Gonna break that wizard? WITCHKING Getting to it. But WAIT! It’s ROHAN, come to SAVE THE DAY. Does everyone have to arrive at dawn? THEODEN, KING People of Rohan! We are going to die! RIDERS OF ROHAN Yay! RIDERS attack ORCS and make things KINDA BETTER. EXCEPT for the FARAMIR BARBEQUE, of course. DENETHOR INSANITY METER = BATSHIT Light the pyre! Now that my son is dead… GANDALF and PIPPIN burst in. HE’S NOT DEAD, YOU CRAZY OOC MAN! GANDALF and PIPPIN save FARAMIR from a rather ugly death. FARAMIR opens his eyes. Oh, wait. Faramir is NOT dead. DENETHOR catches on FIRE and RUNS straight off the LANDING STRIP of GONDOR. *falling* I should have installed a lake! AUDIENCE Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll! Stop…wow, he ran all that way on fire? EXT. OUTSIDE OF MINAS TIRITH Well, this is actually looking pretty good. Unusual for us… MORE EVIL PEOPLE arrive on giant OLIPHAUNTS. Go for the legs! Haven’t you ever seen “Star Wars?” EOMER, EOWYN and MERRY do their BEST, but it’s still PRETTY BAD. INT. GONDOR Gandalf, what’s death like? I’m just wondering because it seems like we’ll be experiencing it pretty soon. GANDALF Well, there are big white fields, and endless shores, and a sunrise. PIPPIN Wow, death sounds… GANDALF Peaceful? Pastoral? Idyllic? PIPPIN Well, I was going to say dull, but those work too. EXT. BATTLE FOR GONDOR Things SUCK. Ah, this is more familiar. WITCHKING Hmm…this looks like the leader. I should off him. WITCHKING takes down THEODEN, KING. Daaaadddd…wait, no…UNCLE! EOWYN hacks the head off of the WITCHKING’S UGLY MOUNT in two strokes. TWO! I want an Eowyn action figure. Screw this doll crap! WITCHKING That was so the wrong thing to do, buddy. No man can kill me. AUDIENCE Again with the giant loophole. MERRY Well, technically, I’m not a man, but all I can do is bite your ankles. But, hey, it’s a moment of glory! Beat that Pippin, with your saving Faramir. EOWYN I am woman; hear me roar! WITCHKING implodes. I was wrong. You were right to go out onto the field, thus imperilling Rohan by denying it a leader should we fail. THEODEN, KING dies. I’ll see everyone at the end of the movie. AUDIENCE Wait! Where are you going? MEANWHILE: ARAGORN and the DEAD, fresh from an OFF-SCREEN BATTLE, arrive and demolish what remains of the ORCS. Do NOT mess with the Dead. DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON, realizing he has turned LEGOLAS into a MORON in this movie, gives him a GREAT MOMENT with an OLIPHAUNT. I only get a comedic moment because I do not have a rabid fanbase. THE ONE RABID GIMLI FAN Nooooo! Why was his part reduced?! PIPPIN discovers MERRY on the field. How did I get all the way over here? PIPPIN I’m here now, Merry. You’re safe. AUDIENCE Yeah, cover him up. That’ll help. He needs the touch of the King. ARAGORN Well, he’s not going to get it. EXT. MORDOR MEANWHILE: FRODO and SAM arrive at the THIRD BOOK. I kill you! ORC#2 No, I kill you. ORCS kill EACH OTHER. Gotta love dispensable minions. SAM This tower is nearly empty. Oh no, here comes an orc. Grrr…I’m big and mean! SOME ORC Uh-oh! It’s gonna get me! Wait, it’s just a…*dies* SAM saves FRODO from MESSY DEATH. Is Frodo…naked? NOPE. Damn. FRODO Sam, I’m so glad to see you! SAM Oh, Frodo, I missed you! IDIOT ADOLESCENT BOYS IN FRONT OF ME Heh, heh, heh. Frodo and Sam are GAY! PARODY AUTHOR EVADNE NOEL Why must they always sit near me? Why? FRODO Sam, everything is lost! They have the Ring! SAM No, they don’t. FRODO They don’t? Then, who has it? AUDIENCE Who do you think? SAM I have it. FRODO Sam, you must give me the Ring, or we will be forced to listen to the heartbeat soundtrack. EXT. MORDOR THE SEARCHLIGHT OF SAURON scours MORDOR for…SOMETHING. What’s over here? Or here? Or here? When do I take my Ritalin? FRODO Hoo boy. This is going to be difficult. INT. THE INCREDIBLY WHITE HALL Frodo is going to die. Probably Sam, too. ARAGORN We can save them by drawing Sauron’s forces to the Black Gate. EOMER Yes. Sauron will be forced to look at us. GIMLI Death is imminent. That’s great. GANDALF Yes, I believe Sauron could be fooled by our ploy. ARAGORN So we’re all agreed? LEGOLAS A distraction! ARAGORN Yes, Legolas. Welcome to the conversation. AUDIENCE Man, did Legolas draw the short straw this movie? EXT. MORDOR I attack you with invisible gnats! Invisible gnats! I am sooooo bad! THE LIGHTHOUSE OF SAURON sweeps around, still looking for that…SOMETHING. FRODO gets in its way. HEY! I… FRODO …SEE ME. I know. *hits the ground* SAM NoooOOOoooo! FORTUNATELY, ARAGORN and REST OF THE CAST arrives at the BLACK GATE, causing… A distraction! THANK YOU. But we still have a MAN DOWN. Let me try to revive Frodo with an inspirational speech! DOESN’T WORK. SAM tries MELODRAMA. I will never abandon you, Frodo! I’ll carry you all the way up Mt. Doom! AUDIENCE And the winner of the Drama Queen Award is…Sam! But a big thanks to Elrond and Denethor for participating! EXT. THE BLACK GATE Hey! Saruon! Open up and face justice! SAURON Aragorn? Is that you? Hey, guys! It’s Elessar! Everyone outside to say “hi!” NOW! One more BATTLE SCENE. MEANWHILE: I’m back! You’re surprised! Right? SAM No. And since Frodo has suddenly found the energy to run all the way up the volcano, there’s no one to keep me from killing you. UNFORTUNATELY, he can’t. C’mon, Frodo. You know you don’t want to destroy me. FRODO You’re right. I don’t. THE RING I love you, man. FRODO claims the RING. …what the? HEY! The battle is only… LEGOLAS A distraction! EYE OF SAURON …right. Ringwraiths! Get that Hobbit! INT. MOUNT DOOM I want the Ring! I will bite off your finger to get it! AUDIENCE Ewwwww. Though, to be honest, it’s a good thing. GOLLUM and FRODO grapple for THE RING, and OOPS! GOLLUM falls over the EDGE into the FLAMING, HOT LAVA. Gollum was swallowed immediately, but I have to linger for dramatic tension. FRODO hangs onto the EDGE, barely. Frodo, you have to grab my hand! Grab it, or I’ll get overdramatic on you again! EXT. THE BLACK GATE EVERYONE is put in the WORST POSITION POSSIBLE. Um…I have a deus ex machina for a Gandalf the White…? Sign here, please. MERRY The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming! I’m not quite sure why, but the Eagles are coming! EAGLES start alleviating the TROUBLE just as THE RING is melted. Oh, shi… EYE OF SAURON Oh, shi… BARAD-DUR collapses. THE EYE looks around frantically. And becomes even more FLAMING, if possible. I’m an eye! What else can I do! SAURON goes BOOM! MIDDLE EARTH is saved! Hooray! MOUNT DOOM explodes. Yaaaay! Wait a minute…FRODO! AUDIENCE And Sam. EXT. MOUNT DOOM FRODO and SAM stagger outside of the ERUPTING VOLCANO, and aren’t scorched by the RAGING HEAT. The Ring is gone and now we die! Hooray! They find a RELATIVELY SAFE place to wait for DEATH. This is six million, three hundred seventy four thousand, eight hundred and twelve steps further from home than I have ever been before. FRODO I’m glad you’re here, Sam. Want to have a Moment, like we usually do at the end of these movies? GANDALF You’re going to have postpone that Moment, for our mystery Eagles have come to save you. FRODO passes out. INT. A BRIGHT PLACE Hmm…I’m overexposed. I must be with the Elves. GANDALF Actually, it might still be Gondor. FRODO Gandalf! You’re alive! GANDALF Yes, and as always, you are the last to know. MERRY AND PIPPIN Frodo! You’re alive! Let’s jump on the injured guy! BEHOLD! FRODO smiles for the first time in nearly THREE MOVIES. ARAGORN and GIMLI are also pleased to see FRODO, but refrain from JUMPING HIM. Though, the AUDIENCE wonders about GIMLI for a moment. I am too aloof to show emotion. ARAGORN Oh, shut it, distraction boy. EXT. LANDING STRIP OF GONDOR GANDALF crowns ARAGORN king. Yay! ARAGORN, in a moment completely as TOLKIEN would have it, breaks into SONG. I’m better! Not dying! EOWYN I’m standing next to Faramir. That means we’re in a relationship. AUDIENCE Well, yay!, I guess. ARAGORN Why, the Elves are here! What’s behind that banner, Elrond? AUDIENCE Hmm, I wonder. Is she hiding or what? ARWEN Hi, honey! I made you this totally gorgeous banner, and I’m not dying…mmph! ARAGORN pulls ARWEN into a KISS. ELROND stops looking PISSY for 3.2 SECONDS. Honey, not in front of the entire civilized world! ARAGORN honours the HOBBITS. They look DISTINCTLY UNCOMFORTABLE. So, Frodo. I’m getting married soon. I was wondering…I’m going to need a ring bearer… FRODO Don’t make me hurt you, my Lord. EXT. THE UNSCOURGED SHIRE Whoa! Technicolor Shire! FRODO So, does anyone else feel awkward? SAM pursues ROSIE. Go get her, tiger! Assert your heterosexuality! TIME PASSES. I’m still all depressed. I guess we should get to the ending now, before the Audience’s asses get too numb. EXT. GREY HAVENS I’m back! And mummified! ELROND and GALADRIEL are waiting on the DOCK. CELEBORN fills SPACE. Come, Bilbo. Come to the allegorical end. GALADRIEL gives that weird “I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW” smile. She gets on the BOAT, presumably with CELEBORN. Well, I’m off too. Gonna get on the boat now… HOBBITS Okay, bye, Gandalf. GANDALF Walking up the gangplank…Leaving Middle Earth forever… Oh, for heavens…Come ON, Frodo. SAM Wait, what? Frodo must leave me? But, I can’t be parted from Frodo for more than 5 seconds! FRODO I’m sorry, Sam. But the moral of the story requires me to sail off into the symbolic sunset. After all, sometimes, you just can’t go back. SAM Okay, Frodo. One last Moment before you go? FRODO Sure, Sam. They have a MOMENT. SAM returns to his HOBBIT DUPLEX. The End. Really this time.
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OPENED: 25.04.2003
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